I’m not as strong as I used to be
Climbing up this hill
Can’t catch my breathe
(Didn’t know it would be this hard)
Going keep going
like I’m mounin’ from death
For a long time
I’ve been trying to escape
There’s no turning back
Race to break the tape
(first to break the tape)
I can hear the footsteps
Must stay ahead and not get caught
Give it all I got
To win the battle I fought.
Written by Jerome A Survivor of Priest Abuse
A letter written to a survivor to help her child part:
What my mom would say to me or to my father (if she was alive).
I’m sorry that you had to endure such abuse and that no one was there for you. Unfortunately I had to leave this earth. I left your father in charge of you guys and he obviously didn’t do a good job. He actually didn’t think about you children. He thought that he could leave another adult in charge of you and trust them to treat you well. But that didn’t happen. He did not choose wisely.
Before I left I did instill morals and ethics upon you. Hoping that you would use them when you needed them. I’m glad I did. I’m sorry that you had to use them right away in life after I left. But at least I gave them to you to use. I’m very proud of all of you. You have grown up to be wonderful humans and adults. You did not get any coping skills from your father. But I did notice that you developed them on you own. You all have been through a lot. None of which you should have been through. You were supposed to enjoy life take care of each other. I wanted the very best for all of you. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to be safe and free from corruption. I noticed that that did not happen either. I’m truly sorry that a lot of things happened to you in my absence.
When watching you kids, my heart sank seeing the abuse and crap that you had to endure. It broke my heart every day to not being able to stop the insane antics that occurred. I was with you while all of this was going on and I tried to comfort you when you cried. I don’t know if you felt my arms around you each time I tried to comfort you. But I was there in spirit. I cried when you were sexually assaulted. I wanted to take you away from all of that. My little girl should never had been put in those predicaments . No child should ever be. Your father should have been there for you protecting you but he was no were to be found. He did not do his job. Neither did his wife. I wish I was there for you but I could not. I was there again spiritually. Sometimes that is not enough. But I do hope you felt my presence. Grandma and Grandpa were there too. They were disgusted with your father. He should have seen or surveyed the household before making a move into that family. And he should have checked in on you kids to make sure that you were being treated well and fed well and clothed well. He should have done his job as a parent. He was too busy playing himself.
I remember hearing from you that “you could now be a kid” But that didn’t happen. The Adult in you continued to endure. Thank God because that is what got you through the years. I’ m so thankful that you did not conform to their ways. I remember you saying what is wrong with them. You felt it in your heart and soul. I’m proud of you for that.
I just want you to know that I was walking along side of you each and every day. I still am. I love you and miss you so much.
Your brother is very proud of you too. I hope that you can heal and continue to grow and celebrate life as it is meant to be. Enjoy your life from this day forward. You are a good person. I wish you lots of love and comfort. Love MOM.
TO SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE WHO HAVE LOST THEIR MOTHERS THRU DEATH OR OTHERWISE. WRITTEN BY A SURVIVOR
My sweet gentle daughter. I made you, you came from my tummy the center of my being. You have my blood running through your veins. My hair, my eyes, or even my cute nose. Every part of you is beautiful because you came from me. I live on through you. Every emotion you have is beautiful. Your anger, your sadness, your joy, your fears, your loves all of it makes you who you are and that is my daughter. No one else on this earth and up in heaven are what you are to me my special daughter. I have emotions also. I was so sad to leave you on this earth.
I never really left you; I stayed by your side. I wish I could have whisked you away from the horrible home you were made to live in. The horrible conditions you were made to suffer through. The horrible words that were spoken to you. I never left your side. Even when you were made to do shameful acts and felt all alone. I was there. I could not physically rescue you or take you away to some far-off land. I wanted to so badly my sweet daughter.
I kissed you and brushed your hair while you slept. I whispered in your ear at night, how much I loved you. Nothing that you were made to do or that was done to you made me turn my back. I was always with you shinning my light upon you. Trying to light the darkness that surrounded you. You are so kind, funny, beautiful, thoughtful, giving, wonderful and smart; you are my daughter. Though your body or your hands once did awful things. Now you make the most beautiful art with them. Your paintings and blankets are magnificent. You are very creative.
If you could see yourself through my eyes you would never doubt any of your actions. If you could see yourself through my eyes you could see how proud I am of you. You had a very, very difficult beginning but that doesn’t mean your end I’ll be the same. You are so full of life. You are kinds to others and kind to mother earth and all her animals. Thank YOU.
I am your stars at night, your moonlight in the dark night, your sun. Warm on your face, the rain and rainbow that follows. The flowers, the ocean, the green grass, the clouds, the wind, the tall trees. I surround you… my beautiful daughter always and forever.